13 years 2 months ago

In the real world if you break something, you can make a phone call, you don't have to fill out a form in triplicate, send 25 emails and eventually be told by a fat Greek guy that it can not be fixed

By Bruce Van Rooyen

Ship Life: Always Remember: In the real world... In the real world, you don't have to be back one hour before your house starts moving. In the real world, if you vomit, people will not treat you as though you have just released the Ebola virus into widespread circulation. Neither will small men in outbreak suits appear to hose down your house. Nor will you have to spend 72 hours locked in your bedroom watching a parade of dreary Meg Ryan films.. In the real world, Bingo is a game for old people, and the rules do not stipulate that only Filipinos can win. In the real world, when people ask you how you are, you do not have to be "Excellent". You could be "Not bad", "Hungover", "Bloody awful" or dispense with words completely and resort to hand gestures. In the real world, there are more than three episodes of The Simpson’s. In the real world, there is no need, on a weekly basis, to simulate how you would respond if your house was on fire (my advice is to get out).

Neither do you have to stand outside for 30 minutes in all weather conditions wearing an oversized, luminous orange puffa jacket. In the real world, you will not get 20% discount at all shops. That said, the shops will stock items which are useful to you. In the real world, skinless grilled chicken, fettuccini Alfredo and New York cheesecake are not always available. In the real world, you can have a fight in the pub and not be sacked the moment you turn up for work the next day. In the real world, people work for five days and then have two days off. They do not go to work one morning and return home six months later (what sort of demented idea is that?) Ship Life. In the real world, you can sit on the toilet and flush it without the concern that your intestines may be sucked out and dragged down to an unknown destination several floors below. In the real world, flu jabs are not a requirement therefore you do not need to pretend to be allergic to eggs to avoid them. In the real world you have to buy your own condoms (and the post-coital cigarettes are a hell of a lot more expensive too.)

In the real world, relationships can work (albeit infrequently).. In the real world you can get as drunk as you like. You will not be breathalysed during the night to ensure you are capable of dealing with any nocturnal emergencies (eg. your house sinking or the helicopter evacuation of an overweight American from your roof.) In the real world it is possible to do things discretely. In the real world your key is made of metal and is cool when it gets magnetized like in your Ship Life. In the real world if you break something, you can make a phone call, you don't have to fill out a form in triplicate, send 25 emails and eventually be told by a fat Greek guy that it can not be fixed as he has to wait for a part. In the real world your life is controlled by your partner not by a guy who calls himself the Master and speaks with an odd accent.